By the time I was in college I had developed a deeply seated fear.
My grades were above average but not spectacular. I stood out in my classes and my professors knew me by name, but I was never the top student. Each semester I would pour myself into a particular project or assignment and often I got a lot of attention for my effort - but I could never distinguish my work, and my performance was always erratic.
I believed I was capable great things...but greatness proved to be an elusive goal. I didn't really feel the "need" to be the best at all costs, but I certainly wanted more than what satisfied most of my peers. In my mind failure could be summarized in one word: Mediocre.
I hated the notion of "Average". I was repulsed by the idea of "Good Enough" and I denied its validity until deadlines and circumstances drove me to compromise. At the end of the day I had a real problem. I could not and would never be good enough.
I was about 22 years old when I first realized I had become a saboteur.
Now, 12 years later, God has helped me face some of the issues that contributed to my irrational fear of mediocrity. However, I still cringe...and I still suffer...and even as I write this I feel hollowed out and poised to collapse. I may not be a saboteur anymore, but I don't feel solid.
I am not as confident as I once was. Perhaps I was naive before. Perhaps I am too cynical now.
I have concluded this. If I am ever going to feel confident it is going to have to come from somewhere else. I know myself too well. This isn't necessarily bad news...I think failure can be a much better teacher than success - especially when it comes to learning your own limitations.
If God calls me a son, then that is what I am. My inadequacy does not seem to bother Him.
"Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You."
~ Psalm 38:9
My grades were above average but not spectacular. I stood out in my classes and my professors knew me by name, but I was never the top student. Each semester I would pour myself into a particular project or assignment and often I got a lot of attention for my effort - but I could never distinguish my work, and my performance was always erratic.
I believed I was capable great things...but greatness proved to be an elusive goal. I didn't really feel the "need" to be the best at all costs, but I certainly wanted more than what satisfied most of my peers. In my mind failure could be summarized in one word: Mediocre.
I hated the notion of "Average". I was repulsed by the idea of "Good Enough" and I denied its validity until deadlines and circumstances drove me to compromise. At the end of the day I had a real problem. I could not and would never be good enough.
I was about 22 years old when I first realized I had become a saboteur.
Now, 12 years later, God has helped me face some of the issues that contributed to my irrational fear of mediocrity. However, I still cringe...and I still suffer...and even as I write this I feel hollowed out and poised to collapse. I may not be a saboteur anymore, but I don't feel solid.
I am not as confident as I once was. Perhaps I was naive before. Perhaps I am too cynical now.
I have concluded this. If I am ever going to feel confident it is going to have to come from somewhere else. I know myself too well. This isn't necessarily bad news...I think failure can be a much better teacher than success - especially when it comes to learning your own limitations.
If God calls me a son, then that is what I am. My inadequacy does not seem to bother Him.
"Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You."
~ Psalm 38:9
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