I don't really know how old you boys will be when you finally begin reading this journal. I have given it a little thought, but not enough, and until now I have been restraining some of my comments as a kind of self-censorship due to the fact that you are still very young.
I want this journal to be relevant to you. I want it to mean something and not just be my thoughts on a couple of Bible verses or the occasional witticism. If all this journal ever becomes is a way for me to put my "best foot forward" and posture like I'm some kind of saint...then it truly is a waste of time and effort. We would all be better served going for a walk on campus.
As I sat thinking about how to continue this log I slowly realized that I must share with you some of the ugly realities of my life. I need to expose my thoughts and how I feel about the circumstances I am in - as a result of my own decisions and the path that God has chosen for me to walk.
The sense you may have from reading this journal so far is that your Dad admits to being human but, that he is constantly aware of His relationship to God and earnestly seeking to serve God the best way he knows how. You may also get the impression that I am a wonderful husband and that I highly value your mother and sacrifice myself to love her as "Christ loves the church".
Well, here is the reality. I have screwed up since before your mother and I were married. I made poor choices based on what I wanted and not what God repeatedly instructs us to do in His Word. He meant to spare me the shame and dysfunction that would be the natural result of going against His plan for our bodies and our minds. I could not see that far ahead, and my infantile will won the battle in my heart. I chose to trust what I could see in front of me instead of what God could see of all eternity. Predictably, I ran into some issues I was not expecting and it has cost me something. The older I get the better I understand the cost of those early mistakes in my relationship with your mother. It does not get easier because what I am seeing is a long legacy of pain, mistrust, bitterness, and disrespect. How can she see me as a Godly husband when I improperly set the tone at the very onset of our relationship.
Without beating myself up too much, I know that I was a "christian" then...not that I truly believed and trusted God, but I knew what He wanted. I was informed enough. When our marriage was young I didn't take the initiative to lead our new family to seek God. We worked, earned a little money, played house, and tried to figure out what WE wanted to do with our lives. I don;t remember ever asking God if he wanted me to be an architect. I do not recall ever seeking His wisdom about attending college or where I should work, or what church to attend, or...anything. Our prayers, when they happened, were to thank God for providing meals and money, and to make requests of Him for things we wanted.
I am convinced now that this is not what He wanted. But I was immature and not really sure what I was doing. Since that time your mother and I have repeatedly said that we would not stand in the way of you boys marrying young lie we did. However, before you consider marriage - I SURE hope your relationship with God is significantly more mature than mine was! There are SO MANY pitfalls we could have easily avoided if I were in better communion with the Creator! Based on personal experience, you should not even consider marriage unless you have consulted God and know it is what He wants for you. You need to be confident that your bride has done the same. Don't ever want something bad enough that you would go forward without consulting God and waiting on His answer. You know why people don't do that? They don't want God to say "no". You know why God might say "no"? Because he has something BETTER planned for everyone involved. There is no safe way around this truth, boys.
For years I went to school and worked part time jobs. Your mother worked hard, and she took care of most of our bills and upkeep. I wish I could say that I took care of her, but I just did what I needed to do. The ironic thing is that I lacked real confidence when it came to romance, and I never understood the importance of "learning" my wife. 1 Peter 3:7 instructs us to live with our wives in a way that gives them honor, and treats them in an understanding way. Wives are our equal partners...not the "same"...but equal. We should trust there are real benefits to this. The Bible says our prayers will not go unheeded. I assume that means they might go unheeded if we do not consider our wives as equal partners in God's grace.
If we do not make every effort to understand them and treat them with true consideration of their feelings and needs...especially when they are different than ours...we make their role significantly harder for them. They do not get what they need from us and our relationship/communication with God is frustrated. That's a promise from the One who knows. My own experience also bears this out. You should NOT have to learn this for yourselves the hard way because your father never told you. I am telling you now. This is VERY important!
After I was finished with my degree I began working. My intention was to attend graduate school, but that would have been another two full years of late nights and long days away from home. Your mother had already helped put me through four years of college by working and working and spending a lot of time alone. We had been married for five years and she was unhappy with the life we were living, but I didn't notice it much. When I did, I tried to justify it by saying we were almost finished and that things would be better as soon as I was done with school and had landed a real job. When your mom got pregnant with you Ethan, I was excited. I knew I wanted to be a dad. Your mother and I had been talking and wondering for years about what our kids would be like. We loved you both WAY before you were born. Your new life was going to make our marriage into a real family and we were both very excited.
Yet, I did see a serious problem in my mind. I didn't think I would be able to finish my education and I was convinced that my undergraduate degree was not enough to do what I wanted. I had just been accepted into a very competitive graduate program that started in the Fall of 1999. How was I going to manage my workload if my wife was going to have a baby sometime in October? Your mother had worked in daycare for several years by this time and we were both convinced that we never wanted our babies in daycare. So how would we provide for a baby if your mom could not work and I was going to be in classes and studios about 45 hours a week?
We compromised and I deferred my entrance into the program until the following Spring. Your mother was finished her last year of college and walked across the stage five months pregnant.
Things seemed OK, but we were coasting and living off of the progress we seemed to be making by ourselves.
When Ethan was born I was working for an architect as an intern and working toward completing my internship requirements. Our life seemed complicated at the time, but looking back it was very, very simple. We had a few bills or obligations outside of our little family. I worked and Laura stayed home with baby Ethan until you were a little older. When she went back to work, she took you with her and that seemed like a good compromise so that I could finish grad school. But I was learning that architecture was not as rewarding in practice as it had seemed in school. I worked part-time in an office and full-time in the studio and the late nights away from my wife and our new baby were very frustrating for me. It seemed like my fellow students had things so much easier and it was no problem for them to argue a design point until midnight when I knew I had to be at work the next morning and had not even seen my wife that day. Something had to give. I don;t remember the exact circumstances of the conversation (argument) but I do remember your mother saying that she felt like a single parent. I did not want that for her or for you. The next day I started looking for a transfer into a program that would allow me to use what I had already learned, but would allow me to be home more.
Fast forward a few semesters and we are at another cross-roads. This time we have a small but cute little house, I am working for the City as a planner, and I am bored out of my mind. I wanted to own a business or practice, but the decisions I had made up until this point were still based on what I wanted and what I thought would satisfy my wife. By God's grace we had started attending a local church after Ethan was born and had made some Godly friends for the very first time in our whole marriage. We felt like a "happy" family, but we were constantly looking for what was next. There was a desire to move closer to your grandparents back in our hometown and I worked out an arrangement with an old friend so that I would have a job to go home to.
I tried to work as a landscaper for almost a year. I liked being outside and I liked the guys I worked with, but I felt like a fifth wheel. My back had already given me some real trouble with the work and I had not yet learned how to help that. I also thought I needed more money and the potential for a business partnership did not materialize liked I had hoped it would. I started thinking about attending night school and getting a business degree.
Our home life was mediocre. Looking back I think I was the main problem. I was so focused on what I wanted out of life and how I could take advantage of my strengths, that I didn't take time to address some of my glaring weaknesses. I was NOT a thoughtful husband. I didn't take time to discover who your mother really was. I took for granted that she wanted to be with me and that she loved our little family. I was sure she was happy because she had a baby boy, a house she liked, she lived near her mother, she was making some friends at our new church, and she was provided most of the things that she needed and enjoyed. We were able to go on regular dates because your Nanny lived close and she would watch you. I was restless and that inability to focus - and refusal to seek God - kept me from seeing the damage I was doing to our marriage.
It's not enough to say you love her. It's not enough to provide for her. It's not enough to talk to her and listen to her. It's not enough to take her out to dinner or buy her houses and cars. In fact you could make a long list of things that you might do FOR her and it would never be enough if it isn't what she needs. Your mother needed me to appreciate what was unique about her. She wanted me to care enough about her to notice details and the hints she would leave about what she liked and didn't like. Up until this point I was thinking in a totally different way. I felt like I was showing her my love by sacrificing, and providing, and working hard, and spending time with her. As a result of my "blindness" we both missed out on what all those years could have been. We were both striving for something, but neither of us knew what was missing. Meanwhile we were growing frustrated with each other because of needs that were going unmet.
One night, on a date, your mom and I went to see a movie. At dinner we discussed that it was about time Ethan had a brother or sister. Apparently, God thought so too. When we got home, your mom took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. We were so happy! Now there would be four of us and it all seemed so perfect. We got started planning for a new baby and I started getting ready to get my business degree. It was your mother that helped me get the construction job I have as I write this. She turned in my resumes and God did the rest. Isaac was born and he looked just like a little me! For a few months our family grew and we thought we were happy. Unfortunately, the bills were beginning to pile up and I was feeling a strange sense of urgency that I thought was God leading me to do "something". Had I been trying to spend more time with Him and looking for His Will in scripture I might have been able to identify what He was trying to tell me. All I could think of was how bad our finances were looked.
I felt like our house was taking too much of our money and that we needed to focus on getting out of debt. I don't know that your mother was convinced, but she supported me anyway like she always seemed to. We did well when we sold it, but we didn't have a place to go. The house we wanted to buy was not working out and after several weeks of staying with Nanny and Bebe, we ended up getting an apartment. It was not a happy time for me. I loved your mother and I moved you boys...but I felt disconnected from everything and I started to wander in my mind.
I remember it was that year that your mother and I attended my 10th high school reunion. My accomplishments were written in a little book for everyone to read and they sounded impressive. Your mother had written them and sent them to the reunion coordinator to publish. I felt like a failure though because I wasn't an architect, I had gained too much weight and looked soft, I didn't have a lot of money, and I didn't really even fit in with these people. As I write these things it occurs to me how superficial my thinking was. All my concerns at the time were materialistic. I liked that your mother was so attractive and that she still wanted to be with me. I liked our Little family, and I tried to put the other things out of my mind, but I couldn't. I noticed how successful some of my fellow students were now that they were older. And I noticed one girl I knew who seemed to have it all together. We were not quite friends in high school, but we were more than acquaintances. She tried to talk to me, but I felt very uncomfortable because she was so "made up" and "put together" - and walked away after saying hello. The fact that I had been so rude to her bothered me enough that I was distracted by it. Several days went by and I realized that I was not just distracted by the way I left things, I was distracted by her. This realization scared me a lot. Suddenly I was aware of the fact that while my family was living in our tiny apartment and my wife was trying to stay sane...I was spending time thinking about another woman. It did not go any farther. I asked God to forgive my distraction and I made an effort to put her and my discontent out of my mind. It worked, but I was emotionally shaken. I thought a great deal about what I would be feeling if your mother did the same thing and it made me feel sick. I felt ashamed of myself for getting distracted by something so simple and even though it was not an affair - I felt guilty because I could see that your mother was also unhappy. We seemed to be going through the motions.
Then our plan took a side route. Your grandparents offered to let us stay in the trailer they had bought for free so that we could save money for building a house. We were thinking of building on the land they had so that we could be close, but we could not agree on where to build and it kept us from taking any real steps to get it done. There were other issues too, but we lived there for 18 months and the whole time I was miserable. I felt like I was making mistake after mistake financially. I was able to take control of the bills and pay off a lot of the debt we had been accumulating since I was in college, but we never seemed to save up much even though we were essentially living for free. To this day I do not know where all that money went.
It was during this period that your mother and I really grew apart. I was so unhappy in our marriage, I felt very strongly that your mother did not desire me as a husband, and I was convinced she only wanted to stay with me because we both loved you boys too much to get a divorce and hurt you both that badly. My parents had recently divorced just a couple years prior to that and was a sickening series of events that has left a raw scar on my heart, it has hurt my brother and my sister very deeply too. All of our lives were changed by that divorce and I knew I didn't want that. I knew your mother didn't want it either. But we could not seem to change and in spite of her obvious unhappiness - I was clueless about what I might do to help. In spite of my unhappiness - she didn't seem to try to change anything. It seems now that I was struggling with the symptoms and not the disease. I thought I had a relationship with God...but I was only interested if things worked out on my terms. That is not how God works, boys. Please remember that.
This is the first time I considered counseling. I should say now that I think a good marriage counsellor is something every couple should seek out BEFORE they get married. You need Godly counsel from an independent third party who is mature enough and wise enough to help you prepare for what it will take to make a life together. Your mother and I never sought that counseling because we were afraid that our dirty little secrets would be exposed. In hindsight that is such an insignificant concern compared to the risk we were taking by getting married, having children and NOT seeking God's will like it really mattered. Listen, if God's will matters you should seek it with every ounce of energy you have! When compared next to want God wants...does any ELSE really matter at all? If you are not married when you read this...I beg you to take this to heart! It could spare you and your future bride so much pain! If you are already married but have not sought counselling from a wise and godly counsellor, I strongly suggest you do that immediately. Even if you do not think you have problems, they can help you plan for what may come. Even if you think you have planned for what may come, with the help of the Holy Spirit that counsellor may help you better understand your wife, or better understand your children, or better understand God's plan for your life. You should never discount the insight that the Holy Spirit can provide through those who are willing to help. Do not be as foolish as I was and think you can handle ANYTHING on your own. Consider where you come from, and know that I deeply regret MOST of the decisions I have made since I met your mother.
Our marriage shuffled and limped along with some periods that felt alright, and many that did not. We began fighting more regularly and our fights became more embittered toward each other. I was certain she was involved in something she should not have been. I remembered how easily I was distracted by the girl from my highschool reunion and I knew your mother was capable of that kind of distraction too. I began to suspect she was finding another means to meet the needs I was not able to meet. I knew she was not meeting all of mine, and one in particular had been a point of strong contention almost from the beginning of our marriage. I began to feel trapped by a unfulfilling relationship. I did not think I could leave...I did not want to. I just wanted your mother to change. I did not spend a lot of time thinking about what I might be doing to contribute to our problems. I did know one thing. I could tell she felt a little trapped too, and that scared me. My reaction was to make the "cage" smaller.
Your mother has always desired to be social. She enjoys talking and spending time with her girl friends. She likes spending time with me (and with you too, of course) but she desires the freedom to share experiences and time with other godly women. It is understandable to me that she has a need like this, even though I do not have the same need. I imagine you boys are a good example of how your mother and I are different in this way. Ethan's personality is a lot like mine (but not exactly). At your age now, Ethan, you spend a lot of time in thought. You read, you work on your laptop, and you invent things on paper. when you are doing these things you do not appear to need other people to be with you. While you may enjoy knowing that your mother or I are home with you - you enjoy spending that time by yourself exploring your own thoughts. That is a wonderful thing and I pray that God will use that part of your personality for His glory and to bring you happiness. Now, Isaac, on the olther hand, is MUCH more relational. You like to be where the action is. You want to help in the kitchen, or in the yard. You do well at jobs like feeding the dog because they give you a sense of purpose and acomplishment. You are a very good helper and even if you can't always help - your desire to be close by and involved is very endearing to us. While Ethan has friends that he enjoys talking to and spending time with...he is more secure and satisfied just spending time alone. Isaac can entertain himself for hours with his imagination but he desires more interaction with his friends and his family. You are both different and healthy. You are the way God made you.
My problem is that I feel slighted. I feel like my duties and obligations as a husband and father require me to spend most of my days away from my family. Typically I get up at 5:oo or 5:30 in the morning, I spend the majority of the daylight hours working. I get an hour lunch break where 20 minutes is spent in the truck coming and going. I get home around 5:30 or 6:00pm in the evening and you boys are usually in bed before 9:00pm. That means on most weekdays I only have three and a half hours to eat dinner with you, and share "life" with you before you need to go to bed. After that I have about 1-1/2 hours alone with your mother before we should get some sleep too. When I think about it that way it depresses me.
It breaks down like this. Humans have to sleep, and that accounts for about 7 hours of my day every day - conservatively. So, in any given week there are about 119 hours where I am awake and not snoozing. I am either physically at work or in transit about 60 hours a week as a minimum. So out of the 119 waking hours in each week, 60 of them are unavailable to my family, leaving 59 hours in a week that I might spend time with you. 34 of those remaining hours are just weekends. So that leaves us with 25 hours during the week. That doesn't sound too bad until you consider those are the last hours of each day and typically when things are naturally winding down. By the time I get home I am tired and stressed-out from working, your mother is also exhausted from running the household. If you spread that last 25 hours over five days you only get 5 hours per day. This is all the time that I have to be both a husband and a father.
There are a lot of things I have get done in that 5 hours a day and 34 hours on the weekend. It's no wonder to me why I feel so disconnected from my own home. I have lived in our current house for four months or so, and I still don't always know where we keep the toilet paper.
Here is some good advice from a father who wants his sons to better husbands than he is:
Gently and lovingly listen and thoughtfully watch everything your bride says and does. Learn her patterns, her preferences, her hopes. Look for places your interests intersect and anchor those in Godly ways. Look for ways you diverge and make every effort to understand those things about her. If they are pleasing to God, you must learn to appreciate them and thank God that he made the two of you to be different. Like you, she is also a reflection of the Master and His handiwork. She is an equal partaker in His grace. The differences you will find are opportunities to celebrate God's unique design. Far be it from us to fix what is not broken. If they are broken, it is not your job to fix them anyway. She belongs to God; treat her that way.
I will continue my story tomorrow...
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment